Yesterday my van, the symbol of my personal achievement and freedom, was totaled. Fortunately I was not in it when it happened. Despite this, it was an amazing day. Moments before the crash, the beautiful bodypainting session you see as the banner with this note was painted. I made connections with people that I deeply care about and love on that day… but I won’t lie and say that hummer wrecking my van didn’t color it.
I had more love, peace, and sense of contentment on that day than any in recent history.
I had the love of friends who helped me move my life and art supplies out of the van before it was towed away. And yet… slept peacefully in the arms of someone who loved me. Calling the insurance, which in the past would have frozen me with dread, was done, and NOT used as an excuse to avoid obligations. The sliver of glass in my foot from walking barefoot near the scene would have normally remained there because I would have avoided the pain, only to make it worse…
I took safety pins, cut open my own skin, and pulled it out… in the past, I would have made it unbearable and had to get a doctor or someone else to do it. Avoidance of pain really only brings worse pain.
I stayed up late tonight to edit my book, even though I got another blow… a job cancelled on me. But that is so temporary. The long game… my book… is something I CAN do… so I did it, no immediate financial reward, but the educated understand the concepts of delayed gratification. The loss of $400 today can mean the gain of $400k later.
My sense of perspective was irrevocably changed from an encounter at a retreat two weekends ago. I was ready to face my challenge, my fears, and beat them into submission. I was very gently shown, that opening my self to receiving the gifts means I can’t curse and receive the blessings in the same breath. This has changed everything for me. The second thing I learned moments after that in the same encounter, was that every time I have ever felt uncomfortable and avoided that sensation, was because I didn’t recognize the energy. Spiritually I have known about grounding since my early 20’s. I never thought to apply that principle to things like paying bills, dealing with tedious paperwork, or my van being totaled. Until now.
These two things, have changed me fundamentally, viscerally. Two weeks ago, I would have been emotionally paralyzed. I recognize that the nervous energy of have to face and deal with such devastation or perceived issues, is just energy. In order to use it, I must ground. I must be open to receive the gift of that energy, so that I can use and redirect it. These black and white words are so inadequate. I have a perspective now to use that energy and redirect it to take action that in the past would have stopped me in my tracks.
Maybe the universe will give me a poem to put into words I am struggling with tonight. Part of me really wants to share with everyone this understanding, but I don’t know if it is translatable without the life experiences I’ve had to give it context. But, as I have said many times in the past to many friends, students, and strangers, I must try anyway. We use these woefully inadequate words not to actually convey knowledge. We use them, we share them, or say them to trigger a personal understanding in the reader or listener.
You can explain what a first kiss is like… you can give allegories like warm apple pie, or fireworks. Though the descriptions contain some truth, the fullness of it can only truly be individually experienced. So it is with what perspective I am trying to convey in this blog… with everything that has ever hit you in life and stopped you in your tracks, it was being overloaded with energy. If you know what it means to ground, as in martial arts, or psychic, or meditation… grounding practices, and ground, center, through that energy, there would be nothing that you couldn’t face or do, because then you would be able to convert that energy, through centering and focusing to take action through your discomfort and change it, and yourself, forever.
It’s an amazing perspective.
Look back at the painting. I wanted THAT image to be the one that dominates my memories, not what happened to my van. The power and beauty of it is what was more powerful than a hummer destroying my van. You get and you attract, what you focus on. I choose the beauty and love of that image, over the one of my van’s destruction.
What are you choosing in your own life?
How are you using your discomfort and upset? Are you avoiding it? Letting it run you? or using it, because it is energy and you know how to channel it?
P.S. Thanks for George Carroll for the Breakthrough Academy, which hosted/facilitated the workshop I had the realization in. Thank you also to Aaron Huey, for the interaction that opened me up. I appreciate you both for being a beautiful example of the masculine Divine in this world.